Robert Haydon Jones
and Matthew Levine

“Gray’s Creek Disturbance”
Matthew Levine

Inspiration piece

Doctor Feelgood
By Robert Haydon Jones

Eustace Trelawney was 22, married for two years and a red-hot advertising copywriter, when he first developed his reputation as being great at sex.

Mary Louise Pagano, a beautiful, bosomy, blond, 24-year-old, actress, was the woman who first pronounced him. Mary Louise loved sex so much that she had never been able to stay engaged with her partner long enough to get all the way home.

Unbeknownst to her, her first time with Eustace, was his second time in four hours. They both had guzzled quite a few drinks by the time they got naked and got under the covers. What’s more, Eustace liked to ride his partner as long as he was able.

Eustace was happily pumping away when he was startled by a steady, low, guttural, sound that seemed to come from under the bed. Christ! What the hell was it? Was it an animal?

He opened his eyes and looked at Mary Louise. Her eyes were open but she was elsewhere. Her beautiful breasts were spinning melons. Her nipples were taut in extreme extension. She was arched into him. Her hips were pulling him closer and closer. He was banging her harder and harder.


No, it was not an animal under the bed. It was Mary Louise. Mary Louise!


Mary Louise suddenly shifted to a high pitched moan. She had never had anything like this. It was going to swallow her up. She was going to die! She did not care. She did not care. She wanted it. She wanted it all.

They went on and on for another six or seven minutes, then Jimmy told Mary Louise he was going to come in her if she really wanted it. Did she? Did she really want it? Oh, she really did. She really, really did want it. “Give it to me! Please give it to me Please! Please!” she groaned. Eustace let it go and she felt it and took it and took it and she came again and again. And again. She was very noisy.

Afterward, Eustace did everything right. He knew it was a home run. He was very soft with Mary Louise. He told her she was wonderful. He opened up a bottle of Champagne. They nibbled on cake and fruit. He reminded her he was married forever to the woman who was the mother of his children. That was his deal.

He put Mary Louise in a cab, paid her fare home, and then he took another cab to Grand Central in time for the 11:37 to Westport.

It turned out that night changed both their lives. Mary Louise discovered her full sex and was very eager to tell the world how wonderful it was. Wonderful! Wonderful! Wonderful! She always gave Eustace full credit.

She and Eustace were an item for nearly three years. Monday afternoons and Thursday evenings were their time. They were very happy together. They had really great sex every time and that was what they wanted.

Mary Ellen got much stronger. She had been quite a good actress, who had been lost. She had been betrayed by her lust. Now she was authentic. The real deal.

Eustace was going gangbusters at work.

They named him a vice president. They started to ask him to pitch new accounts and help hold shaky ones. They gave him a lot more money.

Mary Louise was overjoyed with her new life. She told everyone Jimmy was Doctor Feelgood, the dude who had broken through and saved her. She enjoyed telling the story out. She sparkled as she did it.

Finally, she really had to go to California. That was where her future was. She knew she would be all right and she was. She was famous right away. She married an artist from San Diego. She’s still friends with Eustace. They talk every so often on the phone.

Mary Louise’s tales of how his amazing sexuality had saved her had a tremendous impact on Eustace’s life. After she left for the coast, for the next six months or so, Eustace logged in a lot of hours in Connecticut.

Then, late one Tuesday afternoon, Vicky Green, a married actress friend of Mary Louise, called him right as he was leaving and asked him if he would please stop briefly at her apartment on his way to the station. She had something to give him.

He said okay. He never suspected that Vicky Green had been obsessing on him for more than two years ever since Mary Louise told her that sexy Eustace had performed a miraculous Doctor Feelgood procedure on her.

It didn’t take long. Vicky was determined. Eustace was Eustace. He made the 11.37 easily. Vicky gives him all the credit. For the next few years, Vicky and Eustace had a regular date on Tuesdays.

Eustace had come on a self-renewing, self-generating prospecting system that would provide him with luscious, hot-to-trot leads for decades.

The idea that Eustace could perform a miraculous Doctor Feelgood procedure was very, very hot. He never made the claim. It was seared in the minds (and loins) of beautiful, lusty, bawdy young women by the joyful testimony of someone just like them feeling oh so very good. It was a hot idea with spontaneous power that flourished for decades.

Eustace did well with his career and his sex life for quite a while, but then everything started to go south. He had a series of very high paying jobs with organizations that loved his reputation but couldn’t bear him.

Then he began to drink way more than he ever had. He missed days. He racked up three DWI’s in six days. He went to a series of rehabs and did not get sober.

His wife told him she had found another man and that he must leave.

He left and began a sorry cycle of drug addiction. Two years later, he entered a rehab for extended treatment. This time he listened.

He got sober. It was the greatest gift he ever received in his life.

Of course, he had miles to go. 30 years out, he is still working a program.

It took him some time to realize that he had been as seduced by the fable of being Doctor Feelgood as anyone. A few years back, he was finally able to laugh heartily at the picture he had of himself as Doctor Feelgood.

He lives very happily with his second wife. They have been married for 45 years.


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One Comment

  1. Posted June 6, 2020 at 2:30 pm | #

    “So, if you’re screwing more now, but enjoying it less…” as Philip Roth might riffed on the Camel ad. Great story with a surprisingly happy ending.